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[icon] "I gave my age as 19, and my profession as genius;
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Time:12:59 am
Humeur actuelle:awakeawake
Musique actuelle:Leonard Cohen
I never said that I was brave.
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Time:02:00 am
Why do I always have crushes on emaciated-looking literary geeks who do too many prescription drugs? I miss old co-worker Wesley very much.

Also, I have the weirdest infidelity dreams ever. I think in one of them my affair was with some geeky Johnnie kid I've never talked to and in another I was having an affair with a lady. Also she was an alien?

I am not actually an unfaithful girlfriend. I do dream of kissing Leonard Cohen sweetly on the lips, however. Like, for reals. Also, Abraham Lincoln. I like ugly old men who write pretty.

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Time:01:01 pm
So, what's a good junior essay topic? Anyone? I am lost. Kant? Milton? Middlemarch? Moliere?

Also, impossible dream: here
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Time:01:17 am
God, I hate women.
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Time:01:26 am
Yesterday Wesley came into the theater to say hi. He gave me a hug. I could have DIED.

So good looking.

Also, now the theater recording is MY VOICE.
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Time:01:17 pm
Today is my birthday. I am 21. I am in Philadelphia.

Watched a movie called "Intacto" last night. It was about people who can steal other people's luck. It was weird, but I liked it.

There is a house down the street with TWELVE puppies. It's amazing.

Will be back in SF the 24th.
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Time:01:45 pm

This year was a bloodbath, though.
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Time:05:36 pm
Does anyone know a "Lamont Wells"? Turns out that somebody took two checks from my checkbook, probably while my book bag was left in the dining hall, and somebody named Lamont Wells tried to cash a check for $2,700 in Baltimore.


So yea. Sucks. But the check isn't going through (aside from the fact that I don't have that much in the account anyway), and maybe the school will be able to find somebody? I'm not holding my breath - they can't find anybody.

But my don rag went well.
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Time:10:13 am
Musique actuelle:Swansea - Joanna Newsom
Sometimes I think I am incapable of thinking deep thoughts.
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Time:08:55 pm
Humeur actuelle:lonelylonely
Musique actuelle:Gymnopedie 1 - Satie
I am tentatively considering re-entering the dating scene.

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Time:05:23 am
Musique actuelle:Antony and the Johnsons
I have a new userpic! Just 'cuz. I have 32 to splurge, so why not?

Also, a la Eric:

Comment with your username and I'll give you an honest compliment.

Optional: Then post this in your journal and spread the love.
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Subject:Potent, Potential
Time:10:13 pm
I don't think anybody who reads this, except maybe Tommy, will even know who Josh Dodson is, as he left St. John's after one semester.

We haven't talked since January, but every once in a very long while I'll think of him, and go through the one or two e-mail exchanges we had, and look at the website where he posts his poetry. Recently, I read an entry that contained the following passage:
I have not been posting on a regular basis lately because of a quite a few changes in my life. Marriage, work, etc… I hope to post regularly again soon.

And it was strange and faintly heartbreaking.

I only knew he existed for four months before he left, and only knew him intimately for two months at the most, but he had such a chaotic effect on my life for that period of time. I was in a relationship that was going through some rough points, and all of a sudden here was this new person who seemed so amazing and wonderful, who would take you to coffee and read your palm (three relationships, no kids), or to art museums in the rain, or would sit with you and read poetry (St. Vincent Millay, Neruda, Ferlinghetti) aloud in the Campbell common room, and smelled like Nag Champa, and told you how beautiful you were. And more memories, more, more, more. I can't write about all the things I remember about him. We went ice skating in DC, holding hands so we (I) wouldn't fall over. All sorts of moments and fond reminiscence that really should only belong to a lover. We even had the TV crew filming next to the rink, smiling at our young love. But we weren't in love; we just could have been.

But I chose Jake; he went to Columbia College in Chicago and stopped answering my e-mails. I became single in August for the first time in a year and a half.

And now he's married, apparently.

It just makes you think about the choices you've made and how you'll never get to make them again. You'll never find out how things might be different, despite whatever desperate, nostalgic pain periodically pierces you like an old broken bone in stormy weather. So many amazing people in the world and I'll never be able to love, to really know, all of them.

"Dark river-beds where the eternal thirst flows/and weariness follows, and the infinite ache." - Pablo Neruda
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Subject:Plan B
Time:09:37 pm
It makes it insanely impossible to apologize when they don't even want to see you.

PS: I hate the internet.
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Time:11:57 am
I am starting to have a grudging respect for Ptolemy.

Yo La Tengo was amazing.
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Time:12:42 am
Just for kicks, I decided to retake the test.

I am still, as I have been each time in the past, an INTP (though I sometimes vary between T and F) - Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving.

Other INTPs apparently include:

Rene Descartes
Blaise Pascal
Sir Isaac Newton
C. G. Jung
William James
Albert Einstein

Because we're awesome.

It's interesting to note that the opposite (Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging) all tend to be celebrities.
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Subject:Geez People
Time:01:02 am
Humeur actuelle:borednot amused
Musique actuelle:St. Elmo's Fire
Am I the ONLY person who's not a conservative, misogynistic, racist asshole who thinks that Margaret Cho ISN'T FUNNY?

I mean seriously, guys! She's just not funny!
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Time:04:20 pm
Humeur actuelle:stressedstressed
Musique actuelle:I Bet It Stung - Tegan and Sara
Freshman Essay is stressing me out. I want to eat lots and lots of fried foods and snickers bars. Who knew I was a compulsive overeater?
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Time:11:42 am
The air outside smells like rain and cigarettes.
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Subject:Jesus Christ.
Time:06:35 pm
Nima was a good kid. I don't know what else to say except that I'm really sorry that it happened.
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Subject:Long Weekend Consists of:
Time:12:45 am
Humeur actuelle:accomplishedaccomplished
Musique actuelle:Maddening Cloud - Blonde Redhead
Reading Herodotus
Not doing laundry
Being treated to really expensive food twice/Having most of your meals not be in the dining hall/Having your meal be Breakfast: Chai Tea, Lunch: Sushi about thirty minutes later, Dinner: Oatmeal!
Not being stressed out
Not getting called back about that job
Too many games of Risk
Having your room mates gone and not doing anything about it... except being naked! I miss non-shower naked time
Listening to raps of the books on the program ("Girl, he ain't never coming back" being a key line from the Odysseus one), and Shostakovich, and good music on other people's iPods.
Not drama!
Getting rained on and missing San Francisco (always) because the weather is like home.
Running around campus looking for good slinky stairs
So much good fun, and good friends. I'll miss it.

And I'll miss sleeping naked.
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Subject:Well at least I have new earrings.
Time:07:17 pm
Humeur actuelle:angryangry
Musique actuelle:Old Flame - The Arcade Fire
Things to worry about:

- My roommate went to the hospital in an ambulance the other day. She's been experiencing some side effects from birth control. Which usually involve blood clots.
- My soul is festering, and I don't know whether or not I'm a good person. Or whether things will work out for me.
- Jordan being in a bad place (physically and emotionally)
- I don't really know how my relationship with Jake is going to work out. I love him, but I don't know what that's worth anymore.
- I have friends here, but I don't REALLY have friends. And I can't really talk honestly with people who aren't physically with me. So I'm getting hermit-y again.
- I don't think I'm as smart as I hoped I could be.
- Whether or not I'll get that job. And whether or not the cute music store guy thinks I'm an idiot.

That last one is trivial on purpose.
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Subject:Got around to it
Time:11:31 am
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Comment to be added.

Like my crappy image? I did it all by myself.
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Subject:the best party ever.
Time:02:01 pm
Humeur actuelle:jubilantamazing
Musique actuelle:i see spiders when i close my eyes - the boy least likely to
jesus fuck e-mail piles up when you don't check it for a few days. (note: i check my gmail account more often than my netcom one)

so i had a really good few days. tuesday i got off at 6, i went home and made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and got pringles and cookies and packed up some clothes and whatnot AND went to the city. jake and i went to baker beach to watch the sunset, which sadly was nonexistant because of the clouds (it's been fairly un-sunny the past few days). we had a little picnic and it was kind of cold for me, because i'm a wuss and jake teases me about it. we went back to his place and watched i ♥ huckabees, which was brilliant and i loved it and i laughed a lot. we danced to jimi hendrix.

so this is what i did wednesday. jake and i both had days off, so we hung out in the city all day. we had breakfast and thought about what to do. we eventually decided on (my idea) the japanese tea garden, and it was a great idea because it was rainy and foggy and misty and cold and that's the best time to go to the tea garden. we had lunch first at a vietnamese sandwich shop on ocean (their imperial rolls are hecka good) and we kinda got a little bit lost and other drivers sucked and jake was getting a little agitated because we thought it closed at five and it was about 4:30. the first and last hours, by the way, are free admission, which makes up for their tea prices. we got there at like 4:52 and were like, wow, this sucks, but at least it's free and we can see if we want to come together again, and we started walking through, and the admission guy was kinda mean and like hey, where are you going? turns out in the summer it closes at 6, and we were early for free admission. so score! we waited outside the gates for a bit and then went in and it was marvelous. i love the tea garden, especially in the rain. we walked around for a long time and at maybe 5:40 sat down for some tea, and they were only serving jasmine in styrafoam cups, which kind of sucked, and the crackers and cookies were in a plastic bag instead of bowls and that kind of sucked too, and the birds didn't really like the crackers which was sad, but it was still very nice to drink tea together and watch the rain drip down the chains and leaves and in between the stones.

then i showed him stow lake and the ducks didn't like the crackers either, which was too bad because who doesn't love feeding ducks? we also didn't see any turtles. we walked around and looked at the waterfall and stood on the rocks and we were sopping wet. we jumped around. my jeans were getting wet. somehow, on the way back, we ended up in the haight so we decided to hang out there. we walked down and realized there wasn't an atm where i thought there was (i was thinking the castro) and walked back up. we stopped in at buffalo exchange and jake didn't like anything really and besides they were too expensive, but i got another strip-ed black and white shirt for five dollars, and a white lacey skirt for seven. i was proud. we found a wells fargo and then ate big slices of pizza at "fat slices" which i didn't find as delicious as he does but they were alright and cheap and large. we went to amoeba and i bought three cd's, one at his insistence because he thinks they're amazing (they are pretty friggin' good) and it was only two dollars. i also bought the pleased because joanna newsom is a member, but you only hear her do backup vocals on one track, but they are alright. the last cd is called the best party ever by the boy least likely to and it's amazing and wonderful and childish but more in a sad escapist way. (in "i'm glad i hitched my apple wagon to your star" he says "it made us kind of happy and it kept me off drugs" so it's not really for kids) i recommend it to emma and tess. i recommend amoeba in general, partly because they have the best listening stations ever. you can just scan the barcode.

i have a gross bruise from my tetanus shot still. damn them. i also have an itchy thing on the back of my calves and i have no idea what it's from. it kind of acts like poison oak but i haven't been anywhere that has poison oak in at least weeks. so... what the fuck.

i don't really care, i'm happy.

"if i wasn't so happy i wouldn't be so scared of dying." - the boy least likely to

this entry has an e.e. cummings feel to it.

as soon as i get my schedule for next week i will suggest a day for us to hang out again.
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Time:08:36 pm
Humeur actuelle:goodgood
Musique actuelle:Silverscreen - Jesca Hoop
So you guys have wanted to know what my boyfriend looks like?

Picture behind the cut.Réduire )

Aw, he's scruffy, aint he?

Jesca Hoop is really cool. She's the nanny to Tom Waits' children. They're going to be so fucked up.
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Subject:Did I hear right?
Time:01:08 am
Humeur actuelle:tiredtired
Musique actuelle:So Real - Jeff Buckley
Wait, did somebody call me "foxy"?

Even if it was my boyfriend ("She's a twentieth century fox" - Jim Morrison), it was kinda cool.
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Subject:One year past.
Time:10:06 pm
Humeur actuelle:complacentcomplacent
Musique actuelle:Somebody To Love - Jefferson Airplane
It's strange reading all these entries about the drama banquet. I wish I could have gone. I know I would have been allowed. But it probably would have brought up a lot of feelings I don't really want right now.

One, I know that I'm completely forgotten in that group. And yes, so will you guys. Sooner than you think. And I know that Drama affected me, in a huge way. And I know that I'm a better person in so many ways because of it, and I've had some of the best times of my life in Benefield, and in the theater, and I've met some of the best people I've ever known, and maybe ever will know. But I don't miss it as much as I thought I would. It just feels so irrevocably over. But maybe if I went back - not in the same way I have, not just in seeing one-acts and shows or even sitting in on John Warren rehearsal - I'd start to realize how much I'll never have that same sort of experience ever again. And I'll feel I wasted it, maybe, or maybe I'll just feel like you feel when you see your ex-boyfriend with some one else.

See, you guys are devestated, but you still are living CTE. I feel like it barely happened, and it's scary to me to think how something so significant in my life can disappear like that. I'm feeling like that in other aspects. I can barely remember certain PEOPLE and how they affected me. It's spreading to other aspects of my life. One or two of my close friends are slowly but surely drifting, and I don't know if I can keep them forever. I recently came to the unpleasant realization that Jake and I are half-over (August 23rd is fast approaching). And maybe he'll fade out of my life forever too, as much as he means to me now.

I'm not -really- a part of anything right now.

But on the other hand, the future is wonderfully uncertain. I can still choose a direction, can't I?
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Subject:Everyone has been professional.
Time:12:11 am
Musique actuelle:Lullaby - The Cure
From the chronicle a few days ago:

A convicted murderer who sought a reprieve so he could donate part of his liver to his ailing sister was executed early Wednesday.

Gregory Scott Johnson died by injection at 12:28 a.m. for beating and stomping an 82-year-old woman to death in 1985, then setting her house on fire to hide the crime.

His only words before being executed were: "Everyone has been professional."

If I ever have a band, one of the album titles will be "Everyone has been professional."
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Subject:I love the library again
Time:11:49 pm
Humeur actuelle:fullfull
Musique actuelle:History (Repeats Itself) - A.O.S., Natural Born Killers SdTk
I'm checking out music from the library. I got Patti Smith, Jimi Hendrix, Blonde Redhead, Jefferson Airplane, and Boards of Canada (best album title ever: Music Has The Right To Children).

I like the library a lot. As soon as I'm done reading everything I've meant to (read: never), I will start going there again. For now, just music.

I dislike people who think in absolutes. No, not everybody shares your perception of the world and no, your way is not the only right way.

Everyone needs to shut up and stop sucking.

It was awkward today when Jake and I had just finished kissing in the office and Dave (the general manager) opened the door with his key... whoo I'm glad we stopped.

I like kissing Jake. He is a good kisser, in addition to the fact that he's my boyfriend, and amazing.

Everyone walk around downtown tomorrow. I mean it. It's the last day of the SIDEWALK SALE and almost all the stores (well, the ones that aren't chains mostly) are participating and selling some stuff outside for 50% off. Some of it is lame (no, I don't want Hat Box's shitty visors) but Monarch has some great stuff. I bought a necklace! And Village Music is selling paperback books for a quarter, cassettes and records for 50 cents, and CDs for a dollar. Of course, the CDs includ stuff like the Mr. T Experience. So it's not really a good deal.

I really need my own place. I can't believe I'll have to wait for 4 years before I have someplace that's really mine. The manager at Pearl's told me I should get a boyfriend and move in with him and just "kiss off" my parents. OH GOD I WANT AN APARTMENT. I want to live someplace smaller. And mine.
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Time:12:37 pm
Humeur actuelle:sadinadequate
Musique actuelle:Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley
I'm really fucking depressed right now.

I'm not fucking perfect, I'm sorry that I can't be your ideal.

Something people need to learn about me: I always feel inadequate. You don't have to help me out.
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Time:03:11 pm
Humeur actuelle:excitedstar-struck
Musique actuelle:The Joker - Steve Miller Band
Sean Penn and Robin Wright came to see Brothers last night. I sold him their tickets, and his bulk candy!

He's so serious. It's intimidating.

That was my cool story of the day.
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[icon] "I gave my age as 19, and my profession as genius;
View:Entrées récentes.
View:Website (MySpace).
You're looking at the latest 30 entries.
Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 30 entries